Walking On A Tightrope - F**K My Life

Most that follow my videos and my blogs will know that, with me "what you see is what you get", you either like it or you don't, I personally couldn't care less either way. That's why I open up about my personal struggles when I have them, it's not done for sympathy, it's done so people realise that others can have all kinds of hell going on underneath their surface veneer. Far too many people use social media to project a false reality that rarely exists.

I have no interest in engineering a persona for popularity, so many people are mastering this swindle and it's reflected in our twisted, shallow everyday existences. I'm finding it harder and harder to have any time for the entities that pass me by in my life. Most are only friends with you because they feel that you could be of some use to them. Things are feeling strained, the truth is life is really quite shit for me, I'm just trying to stop myself from drowning, having said that, there's a part of me that feels like tying metaphorical rocks to my feet and jumping in to the ocean never to return.

The Void Is Never Far Away

After a 13 year break from alcohol I've started drinking again, mainly due to the stress of my wife's illness, also it helps numb the sheer boredom of the mind numbing carousel of nothing we're stuck on. I wasn't born for the mundane, I started drumming when I was 6 years old and started earning a living when I was 13 playing 3 to 4 nights a week all the way through school. I knew I was born to play drums and make music, it was a hell ride all the way to 34 and then I lost my mind, I very nearly didn't get it back. I had to walk away from my drums to save my sanity but it will never feel right not playing. 

Below is a video that will give you a snap shot of what I use to do, if you watch the whole thing you'll start to feel the energy created by both the band and the crowd, that's what I lived for. When I look at my life now I feel it's rather pathetic, I can't believe I went from touring the world, in and out of record deals, working with some of the biggest producers in the world. To arguing with simple minded fools about single frequency metal detectors, writing it down and actually reading it back highlights just how fucking sad my existence has become. 

In regards to metal detecting, I have ordered a Nexus Standard MP V3.5 and my Red Heat MK2 and Tesoro Lobo Super-Trak have been repaired and serviced by Dave at Pentechnic, so I should have them back shortly. I won't be getting out into the fields for the foreseeable future due to my wife's health so my hunting will be on the Thames river. I'll be using both my Nexus V2 and the new 3.5 model when I get it, the main reason being, when I can't get out into the fields I really miss using my Nexus detectors. 

When I was being trolled and ridiculed online a month or so ago it was at the same time that I received the news that my wife's cancer had come back. It's a 2 cm mass in the soft tissue of the bone around the hip area. This really worried me because she has three tumours in the brain and one in her right lung. My first thought was that these areas have probably got worse as well, I was reassured that this wasn't the case by the consultant but there was something in my gut telling me this was bullshit. I have zero confidence in the medical establishment. What I went through when I got mentally ill took away any faith I had in doctors and the system they have in place for us. 

From the second we found out about the cancer coming back it has been nothing but a nightmare, somehow my wife fell through the cracks and nothing was noted as "urgent". Her cancer is very aggressive and I would've assumed a 2 cm growth would've been looked upon as urgent. It was taking weeks for all her scans to come back and when we finally got the report it read like the mass in her lung had got bigger. This was actually confirmed by the simple fact that she can feel a pressure on her chest and she's starting to get out of breath faster than she has in the past. Another few weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails, nothing was being fast tracked, actually no one could've given less of a fuck if they tried.

There's A Inherent Defect In Me 

Luckily our neighbour is a paramedic, she read over the scan reports which do confirm the cancer in the chest area has grown, she was on the phone for hours trying to gain some kind of clarity and organisation. As I type these words my wife is in St Thomases here in London having gone to the A&E department, this was the only way we could get the process sped up. I can't begin to explain just how angry I am with the way her diagnosis has been handled, their lack of care and their inability to do the right scans and tests a couple of years back is the reason the cancer is now stage 4. When my wife dies, which she will, both our GP surgery and the local hospitals will have blood on their hands for not taking her initial symptoms seriously. 

But ... alas ... no one will give a shit, I'll be picking up the pieces of my life on my own because any help offered from the doctors would come across as a sick joke to me. Yup .... they really helped me before by shoving me in a mental ward where you got treated like animals in an abattoir waiting to be slaughtered. Any plans we had for the future have gone, we don't know exactly how long the treatment is going to work for so life is basically over, it's like walking a tight rope. I really could've done with my dad being around for all this shit, come the 8th of January he would've been dead three years. There is no hope or any real joy, I'm just trying to keep everything together, I'm wearing a mask to hide my true state, the world is functioning around me and people go about their everyday lives, and with each morning I open my eyes, I wonder what the hell I was put on this earth for. 

What Metal Detector Performs The Best?

It really ain't that important